Movie Review: The Watch by Akiva Schaffer

Title: The Watch
Director(s): Akiva Schaffer
Genre(s): Comedy, Science Fiction
Rating: R
Release Date (USA): July 27, 2012

"Here's the best case scenario: he's a lonely old man, he wants to waltz, he wants to listen to some of the old songs from his childhood. Worst case scenario: you're getting f****d in the ass." –Bob

Have any of you ever been to Gleview, Ohio? No? Let me tell you something... you're gonna want to go there. It's sunny, the people are friendly and don't even get me started on all of the activities. SO MANY ACTIVITIES! And guess what else? There's a Costco. Yep, a geniune Costco! I love Costco and coincidentally so does the Store Manager, Evan. Glenview is damn near perfect, well, it is until Costco's trusty night watchman ends up brutally murdered. Evan doesn't take kindly to murderers killing off his staff and defiling his store, so he does what any rational human being would do in this situation--he forms a neighborhood watch. The watch consisting of Evan, Bob, Franklin and Jamarcus make it their mission solve Antonio's murder. But soon several more of Glenview's trusty residents go missing and all evidence points to aliens as the culprit. With these four eclectic suburbanites as Glenview's only remaining hope, is everyone doomed to succumb to the pending invasion?

I hate to say this, dear readers, but I feel as though it's my duty to be completely up front with you no matter how painful it might be. So here I go: With regard to The Watch, you're far better off reading my excellent summary than purchasing it. At least I managed to make it sound somewhat entertaining, right? Okay, perhaps I'm embellishing the terriblness of the flick just a little, but it really is bad. Lucky for me, my expectations radar was set to tickle rather than stun, so I didn't have to worry about disappointment or anything. So, yeah, that's a plus. This is yet another one of those not-funny-movies that has marginally funny people in it. You have Vince Vaughn being a total douche (basically himself), Jonah Hill doing a pitiful portrayal of a bad ass and Ben Stiller doing the"I'm a nice guy who inadvertently gets caught up in crazy hijinks" thing. SNOOZE. The real people to watch are Will Forte and the rest of the supporting cast. And I can't forget Richard Ayoade. He's hilarious. In fact, watch Flight of the Concords, it's so much better. Okay, back to the movie. Unsurprisingly, it's a total raunchfest, and honestly, I've seen one too many of those lately. Let's just take a spoilerific moment (I'll keep it italicized) so that I can make my point:

The aliens obviously have to have a weakness, right? So what do you think said weakness is? The answer is quite obvious here, folks. It's their dicks. I mean, seriously? How does an alien race survive if they're all male? Where did they even come from? How do you even procreate without all the necessary female genitalia!?

I just... I don't even know what's going on right now.

If you're saying "Whhaaaaaat???" right now--- exactly. And the utter ridiculousness isn't the only thing that had me smacking my head on the table. They dangle this tantalizing science fictiony "we are already among you, living as you" carrot in front of you and THEY TOOK IT NOWHERE! Yeah. Basically all of the potentially decent sci-fi stuff was a total red herring. GAH! Here's an idea. Let ME remake the movie. I'm being serious! And look movie producer guys, I'll make this easy for you. We don't have to recast any of it. That's right, we'll keep all the same actors. Just let me put those super exposive ray gun thingys to better use and bring the tone down to the likes of The Faculty or Invasion of the Body Snatchers. Now we've got ourselves a real movie! What do you say? You better act soon! My services are running at a discount (which I attribute solely to the holiday spirit). Have we got a deal?

Summary Prognosis

The Watch, as a sci-fi film, is just what you'd expect: unremarkable. As a comedy it's sparse and spotty, relying more on the street cred of the comedic actors in it than on the actual comedy itself. There are, however far and few between, funny moments thanks mostly in part to Richard Ayoade and Will Forte. I have to say, The Watch is a rental at most and best viewed while otherwise distracted by delicious sugar plumbs (are those things even real?) or preferably inhebriated off your perpetually drunk uncle's fabulously strong eggnog.


Rating: ★★


Watch It: Amazon | Target
Discuss It: IMDB | Rotten Tomatoes
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